The Bezor, Cancer, and Embracing Rebelling the Norm
I started this blog last summer when everything hit, but I deleted everything because it was just too painful to talk through certain things. (Blog post originally written December 11, 2014.) I could handle discussing being laid off, being dumped the week after a miscarriage, the fear of being an unemployed single mom, and even the fact that my dog was diagnosed with cancer, but the Bezor, well that's something that I have tried to glaze over because it was too painful. It was a mom fail guilt of epic proportions. Tonight though, reality slapped me in the face once again. My daughter for all her wonderful qualities she has and has inherited, has unfortunately also inherited many high maintenance traits from me as well: she's a perfectionist, a high achiever, and she has some habits indicative of coping mechanisms for anxiety. (Her coping is definitely different than mine.) Many babies once they become mobile prove just how much they can find to put in their mouths. We had 3 pets around and for some reason, "lil e" did some hair cleanup from time to time. I didn't think too much of it other than this can't happen. At some point, I probably reacted in a manner that negatively reinforced this and somewhere along the line, I realized that she had ingested hair during stressful times. Last summer when everything came to a head, the tipping point for me was when the chiropractor showed me the below X-ray of blockage. He thought it was just constipation. The girl goes usually multiple times per day, so I knew that couldn't be the only issue, but it needed to come out. This turned into visits to the pediatrician, three rounds of Miralax, a visit with a therapist, seeing my acupuncturist, and finally I consulted with my favorite nutrition blogger for constipation and how to get the blockage or Bezor out. Whether it was food or something else, it needed to come out. After adding a few suggestions into Pea Pie's routine, the follow up x-rays showed her insides to be all clear. Things seemed fine. The before X-ray with good ole Bezor.
Lately though, it's been over the top busy. I'm on a mission to be home with my little one and end the cycle of ongoing stress, being able to work when I want, doing something that excites me, helps others, and sets us up in a positive financial place. The time period to get there though means being incredibly busy to shorten the time span to reach my goal and the toll just showed up tonight. She has commented that her stomach has hurt off and on. I've been puzzled, as I know her dad is now on board with reducing her packaged food intake as well. Tonight, I saw her nervous habit and it broke my heart in two. Some kids pick their noses and eat boogers (get over it, it happens). I found my daughter doing something else and I knew immediately that this is my Pea Pie screaming out over how much she needs the stability that I am working so hard towards providing her. She needs me home, excited to hear about her days, and not rushing her off to school in the foul mood that started our day as she was late. This is my daughter silently screaming how much she needs me there for her and how incapable I have been of that lately. My stress level could get worse before it all gets better but somehow, hers can't. When you wonder just what the impact is of two parents working and only getting to really be parents on the weekend, for some kids, this is it. She is my why. She is why I am willing to push through those exhausting days that are hard as hell because next year, when I take her to school to start second grade, she won't be going to Afterschool care to do homework with somebody else. I will finally be in the carpool line to be the first one to hear how her first day went. They grow up fast and the only thing I wanted when God blessed me with being her mom is to be a mom who is more present than mine was. The gift kids want most is our time and you can't get it back.
1st day of 1st grade on my way to work. This pic will have a whole different feeling next fall. (It took an extra 2 years & a whole lot of pushing through, but so worth it!)
