Menopausal Musings

The praying mantis has a fascinating way of adapting to its habitat and becoming like its environment. People aren't that different, in that manner. We have a gloriously awful way of overthinking the crap out of it. Sometimes we analyze it to our own detriment. Growing up, we form our beliefs and habits based on our environment. Many we overthink and some we overlook. It's only when we pause to reflect that we can truly become aware of how we have treated our own growth in the same way that many see modern health care professionals approach healthcare, only in segments.

Between hitting menopause this past year, relationship growth, and my daughter starting high school this year, it's hard to ignore the need to pause and evaluate. I find myself reflecting on so much of life: past choices, current situation, and plans for the future. While I have looked at so many choices I made with total faith and grit, I acknowledge that where I am isn't where I wanted to be at forty-six. Sitting around complaining and doing nothing has never suited me though. I like to over analyze the crap out of things, sometimes to my own detriment. Sometimes, it's what's needed to have those growth opportunities and figure out how to change the situation from one that causes the negative feelings to a place of growth and joy. Growth can however be painful, in order to make the actual progress needed. Today, I had one. of those eye opening moments. So much of who I wanted to be as a mom was the opposite of who my mother was. She was an absent mother with her schedule. There were so many critical moments in life that I wanted to have my mother there, just like all of the other kids. My parenting style evolved out of fear, rather than faith.

This week's bigger aha moment came from understanding how my father's view of the world impacted many decisions I made and why I have noticed that certain key choices have been out of alignment with what my soul truly craves. I craved church growing up, a relationship and understanding of God, but my father's stance was that he didn't believe in God and that when my sister and I were older, we could make up our own minds about religion. At the same time, there were jabs that he constantly took at people who attended church and functioned as a family. Granted, I grew up at the same time that mega televangelists were being exposed for corruption, but somehow that grouped all Christians into the category of weak followers. My gut kept screaming that wasn't right. We were told that we would go to a four. year college and graduate because that's how we would secure jobs that would provide financial stability. Anything less was unacceptable, never mind that neither of my parents graduated college. I also grew up hearing many negative comments about military and the association of those who joined the military to those who couldn't figure out success on their own. This last one I later realized impacted my unhealthy approach to many future relationships that I couldn't understand until recently.

Growing up, there were opinions that seeded themselves deeply in my actions. For the latchkey generation, many of us look back on those years, seeing two parents working and the roles of mother and father get mingled up. We were taught that anything a man can do, a woman can do; we didn't need men when we could do anything. The big problem with that mindset for those of us that fell for it is that we failed to learn how society functions, both in healthy home settings and as a whole. While I believe that we should all learn how to do many basic essential daily tasks, God gives us each different strengths to compliment each other. Ignoring that basic element is what leaves us alone or with superficial relationships that never get past the surface. We see deep friendships and relationships that require vulnerability as scary and can often self destruct before we gain traction. We recognize the need to be weak and it scares the hell out of us, so we put up walls "to protect ourselves," not realizing that the closeness with others we so deeply crave and on a level that's hard to admit, we need.

After all, if we admit that we need others in our lives to function, what does that say about ourselves? For some, instead of seeing their strengths and God given gifts and talents as wonderful, we look in the mirror at ourselves and see all of our own weaknesses. We lose site of our own strengths and rather than living in them and blessing others, we stop living in them, believing that we aren't enough. Living a life that isn't just bad for us, it's selfish and inconsiderate of others because we stop sharing our God given gifts and strengths. We aren't meant to live alone and God intentionally created us to need others.

I thought of a recent friendship I attempted to make and then out of my own insecurity, I flaked, and then, buying the need to reflect on my actions, I completely forgot about it. During the years that our children are at home and growing up, we tend to have our free time away from work tied in with our children and their activities and we tend to let our own needs slip to the wayside. We develop friendships with the other parents. Sometimes they're deep and sometimes they aren't. Sometimes, we just suck at taking that extra step to make plans where we can get to know each other and sometimes we let fear speak and insecurities speak louder than we should. I used to be the person who always had friends over, never thought twice about if I had the right food or drink or whatever on hand. We would figure it out. Somehow, after my divorce, I lost all of that comfort. I looked at my house and compared it to others who ad bigger houses, dedicated areas for hanging out, cool stuff to do, etc, and somehow determined that I wasn't enough to entertain guests, so I walled myself off. It's easy to see it in others and while I know that some people are naturally introverts, I realize that we all actually need others, no matter how strong we are and we should stop expecting that we can have all of the strengths we admire in others. We aren't meant to interchangeably pull out every strength we want, based on our surroundings at the time. We aren't praying mantises; we are people, meant to live and work together, and yes, depend on others for some areas of life, not just ourselves.