Fat Pants & Skinny Jeans versus Healthy Body Image

Most of my life, my body image has been linked to one of two categories: fat or skinny. We have acknowledged as a culture the need to change this. We have even denied having these feelings and you might deny it as well. If you are, I challenge you to walk into your closet and pick out the following two items: your fat pants and your skinny jeans. If you have labeled these items mentally, you are like most of the general public, just as I have been for so many years. Today, I had an eye opening moment: as I walked past the bathroom mirror this morning in just my panties, I had a moment rest has never spontaneously occurred to me: wow Tracy, you look healthy. Why is that such a big deal? Because it represented finally having a mind shift that I have struggled with for years. It wasn't a moment of walking by the mirror and thinking, gee you look skinny, way to go. This is the mind shift that so many struggle with daily.

As a kid, I was a bit on the husky side at times. I now also realize there were major issues with bloating and constipation. In my tween and teen years, being a bit on the OCD side, I developed some fantastically unhealthy ways to keep my weight at bay and how I felt about myself at many times was in large part tied to my weight and whether or not I was "being good." Unfortunately parents, puberty is a really tough and crucial time for girls to understand what a positive body image is and for us to all realize that when we are least confident, we are most likely to make incredibly bad choices. During this time period, I went to teen night and danced and had a fantastic time. I also teetered between hanging out with the right crowd and the wrong crowd. I dressed in a manner that was incredibly inappropriate for a 14 year old, all in the name of trying to get positive attention. Thank God my bestie was there through all of this and loved me through it, but it was a tough time. Another of my lifelong friends had a mom who genuinely cared enough at this time to ask the incredibly difficult question with my drastic weight loss if I was ok. Like many girls at this age, I lied and said yes. A big part of me was hurt. How is to that my friend's mom noticed and my own parents were so blind?! Parents, if you ever wonder about the importance of your relationship with your children during the tough years, let me just say, be there. Show you care and ask the tough questions. From somebody whose mother wanted to be accepted by my friends instead of parent me, I beg you. Don't try to be a friend at this age. Be a parent!

This top is a mid driff, not appropriate for a 14 year old and part of me wanted my mother to care enough to set those limits and help me with body image.

I struggled with my image all the way into adulthood. I was proud of being 5'6" and 125 for so long.

Even in my professional career years, I maintained this weight for quite some time. Then I started actually working out and enjoying eating real meals. While my weight went up, I was pretty toned because of the workouts.

My wedding day weight was 143, but I certainly didn't look like I would have expected at that weight because I had a decent amount of muscle. Unfortunately, when the workouts stop and the eating continues, the muscle turns to fat.

Girls' weekend in Napa Labor Day weekend 2005

My 30th Birthday, January 2006

During this time period, I struggled with my weight and my emotions. I loved baking and food made me happy (short term) and miserable in the long term. I lived how much of America lives, instant gratification without thought of the implications. I tried to convince myself that I was "fat and happy" and even better, I tried to believe the all important saying that has become so popular: be content with yourself. Quit trying to be an unrealistic expectation. Be happy with who you are and how you look. I'm so sorry for those where this is going to strike a nerve, but it's time to wake up! Being overweight, unhealthy, having constant autoimmune issues, and an increase in cancer are all the result of our fast food, chemically processed society. If being overweight is keeping you happy, I ask, is it keeping you healthy? How many days have you or family members missed because of being sick? Is it on the rise? Are many of these days between October and February (sugar overload from Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines)? If so, maybe you see that yes, things have to change and no, it isn't easy to change your mindset permanently.

When I got pregnant the following year, it was after some downs and ups on the scale. At 5'6", I weighed 198 pounds when I gave birth. My body will never be the same and if getting pregnant again was in my future, I would do things entirely differently. (It isn't and that's a whole different topic.) After having Pea Pie, I discovered weight watchers and pilates. Some of you might have been able to lucout and lose weight. This body took work to get there.

Hafla 2008

Later discovering that Pea Pie and I have celiac meant turning to the gluten free foods. It took a while to realize that the gluten free foods were processed foods still and the reason I turned my body into this:

What an amazing trip, but oh wow.

This was my pivotal moment of something has to change. I began cooking from scratch and hit my goal weight. Thank God I felt skinny and confident again!

Through hard work and continued efforts, I have kept my weight pretty stable and within the comfort zone. For most of us, this is just fine. I couldn't however ignore the lingering feeling that I still needed to optimize my health. I was terrified that this couldn't be maintained and I would end up with multiple autoimmune issues and a ballooning weight, like my birth mother. For the longest time, she was 5'10" and 130 pounds. Then early menopause and an extra 100 pounds hit. I know my healthy target weight range for my height, but the reality is I was skinny and still not functioning at optimum levels. My body has been affected by the drastic ups and downs on the scale. I finally listened and tried nutritional cleansing and for the first time, felt and saw transformation that I knew my body needed. I don't feel thin. I see instead that the muscles that were atrophying with age returning. If you aren't aware of why it's so hard to maintain weight and muscle tone once you move through your thirties, here's news. Your hormones change and you can no longer apply those short term fixes that worked so well in you twenties. They no longer work.

When I signed up to start this journey, part of me was absolutely terrified. What if I failed? What if I succeeded? How was I going to ensure that the way I conveyed what I was doing wouldn't give my little one body image issues? After all, I had her take my day 1 and day 30 pictures (not telling her why). I explained to her that mommy needed to get her body healthy. My body wasn't working right on the inside and I was going to do something different to make it work better. We have protein smoothies most mornings anyway for breakfast as she isn't a big breakfast fan first thing in the morning and I know how important that meal is. She already helps me with meal planning and we have discussions about the importance of reading labels and knowing what we put in our bodies, but as somebody who has struggled myself with body image and a mother of a little girl, I'm a bit sensitive.

My day 1 and day 30 pics might not seem like a huge difference. There's only a 5 pound change on the scale, but there's a 19" difference on the tape measure and a drop of 2 sizes in my clothes.

Day 1

Day 30 - yep, this is real life last week, just before we went to the pool, no makeup and hair in a ponytail

So yesterday, when I was getting ready for my date, I noticed a change that I haven't felt in quite some time. Instead of dressing to hide the parts of my body that I hate, I was trying to find clothes that fit and the biggest issue to hide wasn't my flaws, but the panty line with my dress (Paris Hilton I am not and no, I do not like spanx. I want to digest my food, thank you.) Admit it or not, most of us are our own worst critics. People can compliment us all day long, but the comments we are most likely to put on replay in our brains are the tough ones. We often see ourselves and first think of all that we want to change. This morning as I happened to walk past the mirror in my skivvies, it really was a huge paradigm shift to say to myself, not "wow, you look tiny, way to go," but rather, "wow, you look strong. Way to go!"