Yin and Yang Parenting

When it comes to partnering responsibilities, it's a good idea to have a partner who compliments your style. This is true of parenting too. Parenting is one of the most exhilarating, exhausting, fun, and frustrating experiences of your life. It requires a whole lot of responsibility and the need to stop every now and then and have fun. It's only natural that parents naturally gravitate towards one role or the other: there's the responsible one and the fun one. The responsible one makes sure the kids are fed, clothed, bathed, insured, doctor & dentist appointments are made, food choices are healthy, school choices are explored and made, schedules are set and kept to the best ability possible, bed times, wake up times and routines are established, the child learns responsibility, and limits. This parent is also the boring parent to the kid and the stressed out parent to others. Then there's the fun parent. Do I really need to go into detail on that description? Kids need both types of parents, but parents also have to learn to tag out and switch roles.

The responsible parent in many situations feels stretched beyond belief. In most families, both parents work, whether married or divorced. In some cases of divorce, each parent now has to take on both roles, but quite often, the basic responsibilities still fall on one parent and the frustration can continue to build. Heck, even if you're married, the frustration for parenting can still build. Most parents know which role they naturally gravitate towards. If you are unsure, try asking your partner or try writing down a list of tasks related to parenting. Take a piece of paper and fold it in half, writing down your partner's and your name. Assess the division of labor and consider if any adjustments need to be made.

I had this reality earlier in the week and decided to think through how my ex and I divide the labor of co-parenting. This might be all that it takes for some, but this mom had a burnout reality check. I knew that my little one needed some extra mommy and me time. Given my little amount of vacation time, I decided that we would stay home and I would cook for the day. This eliminates packing and unpacking, so it should be a given that I get some fun time, right? Long story short, I was back in my usual get it done mode and stressed out after spending more than a day preparing and cooking our Thanksgiving meal. The kid and I both needed some quality bonding time today. There are to do lists and errands to run and I decided to tag out of the responsible parent role. I turned my cell phone on silent, deciding the little one and I needed a fun day. I texted my ex what needed to be done and requested he handle those items this weekend so my daughter and I could have some down time to bond. If you know me, there are many reasons why doing this was incredibly difficult, but necessary. The TV, iPad, and phone were all off and we played. It was a much needed fabulous day and yes, sadly, I was out of my element.

I learned some of the getting back to the basics essentials however and my eyes were opened that I need to do this more. We really shouldn't see a day like this as monumental. In this day of instant everything, it's no wonder our bonds with others, including our own kids seem to have such difficulty getting below the surface. In our attempts to "stay ahead of it," we have managed to get behind in many other areas. Sometimes we simply have to look at our partners in parenting and say, tag you're it. It's my day to be the fun parent. Things aren't likely to change unless we speak up. Happy parenting!

(Post originally published in 2013, when my ex and I were still doing a decent job of divorced co-parenting. I am grateful beyond measure that I have since met an amazing partner who is supportive and helps balance me.)