Mommy Pac - Will You Be my Friend?

I finally had the opportunity last night to have a girls' night with another female adult. My how times have changed and I don't complain one bit. There are times when I might mourn the loss of my former carefree pick up and go wherever whenever self, but I wouldn't change where I am for much. I am at a point in my life where I look for friendships and moments that are more genuine. It isn't about the friends in masses. Girl night last night was having another mom over that I met through our daughters' dance class. It wasn't that we had to spend a bunch of money, go out and do anything crazy or any of the stuff it used to mean. It's about bonding with another person over commonalities and a mutual respect for your differences.

We have different backgrounds and are different ages, but we're both at a point in our lives of living a calmer more meaningful life, caring for our children, thinking about family, and both trying to parent with more back to basics options. I worked on baking, making teacher and friends' gifts, and she tended her baby while we talked. There wasn't a need to be doing the exact same thing. She didn't have to stand in the kitchen doing exactly what I was doing and I certainly couldn't nurse her young baby for her.

Making friends as a parent is about making the time for friendships and taking care of what we need as individuals. When we become parents and especially as a single parent, I often forget to put on my own oxygen mask first. We often go into a mode of caring for everyone else's needs first and don't realize until it's so late that we have neglected doing the things that recharge our batteries. There is always so much that needs to be done and when we make time for ourselves, some might call us selfish, but quite honestly, the person screaming that the loudest is usually the one screaming it at us in the mirror. For the moms who work outside the home, we feel guilty not treasuring every opportunity we have with our own children. We feel as though the village is raising our children, instead of us. Do we really have the right to have a babysitter on those rare occasions we can see our children and God forbid the single mom tries to figure out when and how to squeeze in dating and meeting a quality guy! As for the SAHM or full time mommy, the judgement there, again often by themselves or people who really just don't get it is, you don't have to work outside the home, don't you get enough alone time while the kids are resting? Well, no, if you think the mom who works outside the home has a long list of things to be done around the house during who knows what hours, ask the SAHM what her at home to do list looks like. Also consider that while she will often feel it is a blessing to be home tending to and raising her children, the super secret is, she is probably the most exhausted by her children, in spite of treasuring the moments they don't have to miss.

Raising children produces the strongest emotions possible, both positive and negative, much like marriage. The chances of parents giving up their kids are much less common than those who end their marriages. I saw a post a week ago from a person I know who is married without children questioning the parents who post on fb about how wonderful their kids are one minute & the next minute how stressed their kids make them and this poster just didn't get why someone would bother posting these things. Well, think of how amazing your spouse makes you feel when he/she does something that blows your mind. Now, think of how that spouse makes you feel when they make your mind boil over. Your spouse is who he/she is because of the experiences before meeting you. Your children are who they often in their younger years, because of the lessons you teach them as parents. This means your positive and negative emotions are higher and lower often than what you experience with your spouse or partner, so yes, being a parent is a lot like being on a roller coaster.

So how do we recharge our batteries to get back on the roller coaster and not puke all over the other passengers in other cars? Well, sometimes, we forget that we need to go walk around or ride the merry go round just for a break so we can go back and ride the Rockin' Roller Coaster five more times in a row and not puke, or in the case of parenting, blow our fuse. It's a challenge though because the Rockin' roller coaster is awesome! We just want to keep going and who has time to pull out the park map and find the merry go round way over on the other side of the park and what if you have to pay to take the trolley over there, putting forth the extra effort when you're already pretty tired. Once you walk to other side of the park or pay the trolley, you remember why you did it though. You remember that you needed that moment of peace, tranquility, and connecting.

In our adult lives, especially if we have moved away from our home town or are at a different point than those we grew up with, eventually, we have to get out of our comfort zone, seek out new friends, step outside of our comfort zone, introduce ourselves & ask someone if she will be our friend. It's awkward. When we were little, it was perfectly fine to just ask someone to be our friend. We were genuine and didn't have underlying motives and didn't worry about others' underlying motives or what they would think if we asked them to be our friend, but we talk ourselves out of taking that first step, thinking that not only do we not have time, but neither do they. Making friends as an adult is just different. We have responsibilities we didn't have as children or college students. We have deadlines, guilt trips, and to do lists a mile long, but we must remember to walk to the merry go round, put on our own oxygen masks first, and recharge our batteries, so that we can be better functioning for our families. We must take that first step and ask 'will you be my friend?'